Sunday, January 25, 2015

Word of the Day: Trapped

Today's word is trapped, those who know me best need no explanation of why it is the first word in the series. Yes, I realize it is in no way alphabetical. 

Trapped is how I felt in my last marriage though I hid it well for a long time. Only my husband had an inkling because he was doing it often times intentionally. He refused to acknowledge that I told him I did not want to marry him, even calling the wedding off at one point because he got drunk and became belligerent. The next day he cried claiming no knowledge of what he had done.

It was not the first time he had made me wish we were not together but we were living together in what now used to be my home. He moved out a couple of times but he always came back. I still remember the night I was visiting him, and he told me that I was his girlfriend. I hadn't a clue until that point.

It seems for all my bitchy er directness I did not have the heart to tell him I did not want to be, so I was stuck. Never mind I had been dating someone else for a long time at this point. I was in a bad place, and unfortunately I let it blind me to the signs that I should not be with this man.

By the time I came out of my bad place and realized just how bad things were with him it was too late and I was even more trapped than I was at the start. I never loved him, he annoyed me yet I followed through with the wedding even having his child. 

My daughter is the only part I do not regret. The years with him dragged on, I told him I wanted a divorce shortly after my daughter was born but he did not comprehend. I had been avoiding him before we got married (hard to do in the same house) but he refused to go. He did not comprehend how miserable he was making me, or maybe he did and that's why he refused to leave. 

I felt trapped, I was trapped but I thought I was alone. Now I am free, on the road to divorce for the third time, and I finally feel safe again. It is something I will never again take for granted.

Until next time I will continue to wonder my way through this life. 
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