Thursday, February 27, 2014

Searching for Sanity

I have been on a quest recently to have my sanity return. There was a time when I was attempting to see how much I could live without in order to downsize. I have figured out that there is a limit to how much I can down size. 

Leaving things behind is not a new venture; it's the size of the space that is completely new to me. There are days the space makes me feel like I am suffocating. I am not sure why because there is more storage space than most homes.

The problem? I can't pull everything out and go through it then move it around a hundred times until it is in the right spot. Well, the right spot until I change my mind and the smaller space means that every time the baby puts something somewhere it inevitably ends up in the floor. 

There is a small window each morning to clean something, and that window grows slimmer each day as I find I need an increasing amount of time to wake up and refresh for the day. I have isolation so working from home would be great except for the fact that I like to watch television to start my day; I cannot watch television and check email when the computer is the television.

Well, I could and have watched a show on the computer while I worked on it. The minimizing of screens is a bit harder on the eyes these days than it used to be so I try to avoid it. I supposed I could just listen to the show I've been known to do that while I cleaned house but that would require me being able to see the screen from across the room to actually know what was going on. 

I have spent years trying to get away from places that felt like time forgot them. That I have ended up in one that feels like I went back a century or more instead of merely to the 1950's or 1970's is still a shock to the system.

I have to move closer to activity. People, stores, anything just to have something to shut the door on and enjoy the silence. Now there is nothing to shut the door against, no pressure of deadlines that I used to live for. There is nothing but a few hours each day with my little girl. 

I cannot depend on her to create or fill any of my needs. It is not fair. I am writing more than I have in the last few months, well the last year actually. I spent last summer sleeping as much as I could because of exhaustion that refused to go away. The heat had a lot to do with that but that's another story all together.

I am hoping that this summer will be spent awake and taking outings with the baby on a regular basis. I am looking forward to it getting dark later and being able to see the screen in front of me longer without the artificial light that hurts my eyes so much when I have to flood the room with it.

Well, I have to go and I still haven't found my sanity. Guess we'll continue the search next time.





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