Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sorting It All Out

I keep hearing the lyrics to an old Randy Travis song running through my head. "Tonight I'm sittin' alone diggin' up bones, resurrecting memories of a love that dead and gone." There are often memories that should be left alone, dead and buried like they never existed. When it comes to my life I've had a lot of those and I find some of them are still haunting me to this day. I have dealt with my demons and I wear my scars with pride but some of those scars seem to reopen from time to time. When the scars reopen I feel as if I've been run over, beaten and left to bleed to death all alone.

I have no idea why I should be feeling the pain of all those past hurts right now. Could it be because I was so cruel as to not feel a thing when it came to thought of getting divorced for a third time? That seems cold and heartless but it's not over the years all the feelings that I once felt have gradually been destroyed until there is nothing left. It's all right though I get it I really do, after all the things I've done I do deserve a few bumps and bruises along the way, eventually I'll learn to listen to my own common sense.

I know that I have common sense but using it hasn't always been a strong point of mine. I know there are "voices" that tell each of us right from wrong, ignoring mine has caused me more trouble than it's worth. At the moment I am taking the time to look beneath the lies to find that tiny sliver of truth and ensure that I am not a casualty as begin to rebuild from the destruction. I am moving out of a place that I have lived in for the better part of almost eleven years and starting over with basically nothing. I will begin tonight to go through my clothes and my child's clothes to get what fits us. There isn't much of anything that fits me so that's not going to take long there. I have to go through her toys and begin to donate the ones that she is too old for. I have an old potty chair that doubles as a stool to get rid of along with a few other things that you only put smaller children in.

I will be leaning heavily on the few friends I have left during this time. I really hope that they do not mind.

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