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What is happiness? Well, it depends on who you ask, so I asked the dictionary. According to Websters it is the state of being happy. Now what does happy mean?

According to Webster's there are a number of definitions. I'll give you the shortened version.

hap·py (adjective)

: feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.
: showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment
: pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.
I  do not fit any of the give definitions. Why? Well, simply put I am myself. I have been happy, and there are things that make me happy but at the moment sustaining that happiness is impossible.

Little Things Mean the Most

There are a number of things that make me happy but at the moment the only constant is my little girl. She makes me happy, but I have far too little time with her during the hours that we are awake. The little things that make me happy are not an option right now and will not be for another couple of months.

I enjoy watching television before I go to bed, it helps me to relax. The laptop is the television at the moment so I have begun to make sure that it is fully charged before I go to bed. I sit it beside the bed and we watch a show that my little girl picks out a couple of times a week. The small screen is not ideal but it makes us happy for a little while each night.

The moments that make memories, like when she is intentionally including me in her world are the ones that I adore the most.

Me Time

I am aware that there is no "me" in "mommy" but I am more than the title. I enjoy a few minutes each morning before she wakes up and each night after she has fallen asleep to myself. It is time that I use to prepare for the day or recover from it whichever the case may be. Without these precious few moments I have terrible days.

You will notice that I said me time and not us time. Even when I have a significant other, which at the moment I do not spending time with them before I spend time alone merely serves to annoy me. I cannot miss those that never leave even for the briefest amounts of time. My children are the only exception to this rule. They are the only people that I do not want to go away and stay away for any given length of time to prevent the urge to strangle them.


I have imposed isolation upon myself on more than one occasion. It has usually been after a traumatic event or complete invasion of privacy by those that were asked repeatedly to back off. The isolation gives me time to clear my head, but it has been known to backfire.

The Price You Pay

There is a price for everything, and it adds up no matter how small it is at the time. Sacrificing time with family and friends for the pursuit of a paycheck is a high price when it consumes all of your time. The thing that you sacrifice when is isolation too long could be your sanity.

Without something to eliminate from the picture there is no need for the isolation. Being isolated too long leads to a feeling of being trapped and you begin to feel the urge to chew off limbs in an effort to escape.

Yes, I am aware I have yet to answer the question. It is not as simple as "I want this or that" or even "I need" it is a matter of regaining control. Somewhere along the way I lost all control of the situation. 

The regaining of complete control is going to take some time but it is the goal. That is what will make me the happiest, or rather keep me happy for more than a few mere moments at a time.

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