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Saturday Evening Post

The last few months have been full of changes and adjustments. They have also been full of regressions for my little girl.

The blank stare is not as noticeable from a distance but I lived with it for the first three years of her life. It is returning but I am the only one that seems to notice it. I would be the only one in my immediate circle that knows just how far she has come, how far she has slid back toward the days before her diagnosis.

The only difference is now she talks, but there are days that dreaded echo is back far more than it should be. Patience is not the strong point of any seven year but hers has decreased back to where it was shortly after we began therapy. The last few months her only therapy sessions have been at school, and that is only occupational therapy (OT) and speech. There is no Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) offered in this school system either.

I miss the daily outings to the clinic for her to see the therapist. OT is something that has been restricted to school for a little over a year, almost two years now. There was not enough to do with her but her handwriting and self help skills are dwindling down to nothing at the moment.

While potty training still has not been completed there were places that she had stopped having accidents as a result of her inability to process the need to go to the bathroom and verbalize it. The amount of accidents has increased both when she is distracted and when she is not. The result is that she is spending an increasing amount of time in diapers. We were down to overnight only because of her small bladder.

The regression is beginning to get to me and I can feel the levels of my stress rising. It is obvious to her that mommy is not mommy at the moment even if she does not verbalize it in those words.

Days Gone By

I long for the days when she was just the baby, my baby and not a child with autism. The diagnosis made no difference to me, she was still perfect but needed some extra help if she was going to grow up and be functional in the world after I am gone. Now as I watch the regression I long for the days of ignorance before she showed the slightest signs of something being wrong.

The word institution was one I never wanted her to learn. Now my fear of them grows more each passing day. Three steps forward is still followed by two steps back, and the cycle is a cruel one. It is enough to make you wonder why you ever bother with anything, until you look at the face so trusting without reason to be and remember that you were once so young and so naive. It is enough to make you wish for a return to the days when you were innocent.

Well, that's enough of the sappy stuff for one day. Until next time don't take your frustrations out on the one that you love the most.
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