Odds and Ends

It is very true that what we do not know can not hurt us. So when it comes to suspicions you have to be careful what you ask if you are not truly prepared for the answer that you might get. How do you know that someone is truly what they appear to be? It could be an illusion that the mind has chosen to create in an effort to protect you from what is really going on. I have a lot of questions but I am not asking them for fear that someone might answer me.  I have friends I know this but at the moment determining who would be a true friend and who would be feeding me a line of crap would be a bit difficult to do. I have allowed my feelings to over rule my common sense it would seem and that is never a good thing. I am totally lost right now and have turned it all over to a higher power for the sake of my sanity. I mean really nothing should confuse a grown woman as much as I have been lately. I want to know the answers but I am afraid to ask the questions. I know that the answers...

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of issues that made me think that things were not going to be anywhere near all right for some time to come. I have since figured out that they will and I am in complete control of when and how they turn out all in the end. I am worried about a dear friend that I hadn't spoken to in months until just a couple days ago. I had sent him a message hoping to find that he had been busy celebrating all the good things that life has to offer. You can not begin to imagine the hurt and disappointment that I felt when I found out that not only where things not better but they had gotten worse. I had waited and wondered these past few months and now I know. Now it hurts and I don't like this feeling but I have to be strong. All I can do is to say a prayer for things to turn out as they are supposed to no matter what that is. I am just along for the ride on this one and hoping that everything turns out for the best. I don't believe in fairy tale...

Something always tears up or breaks when you don't need it to. At the moment I have a broken lawn mower, the grass is taller than I am. Well, not taller than I am but tall enough I can't see in it which irritates me. It's not like I want to go out side or anything. Geez. I am broke until Friday, and even then I'll still be broke. The bills for October get paid on Friday. I'm waiting for my auto insurance bill to come in and hoping that it doesn't renew until November. I'm hoping that I don't forget to renew my license like everyone else that I know has. I don't care to be driven around I don't ride well.  I am waiting on the other half of my project at the moment because the man has the flu and while it's only a little bit I'd really like it so I can get done. Oh well that's like. And I'm gone for the day. I'll be back soon.

Broken hearts need time to heal, and when you're the one that broke your own heart it seems to take longer for them to do it. I managed to break my own heart this weekend by getting rid of people that cause me problems and in the process I may have lost one that never caused me a problem. One that I care a great deal for without rhyme or reason to do so. I have found that I get in a hurry and this time it could have cost me someone that I dearly care about. It's not the first time but you'd think at my age I would know better by now. One day I'll learn my lesson but until then I'm simply going to enjoy being in love and feeling love for someone else that is unconditional.

Did it? I mean it seems a bit surreal now. I mean it started normal enough my soon to be ex went back to his old job without any trouble. I put the kiddo on the school bus, he came home I went to work. I did laundry etc. Well we tried to go to therapy and the bottom fell out. They called to say we didn't have to go but we were already on our way so I said we'd be there. We should have been in about ten more minutes, wrong. The bottom fell out, I couldn't see a foot in front of me, water was standing in the road and everyone was speeding up. These people ain't that bright. Anyway I called them to tell them I was wrong and we were going home. This is where it gets cuter. We turn around during a break in the rain and after I turn down a side street to get off the four lane, it stops completely. Lovely. I gave up and we came home. I had a confused child on my hands since we came back to where we had started at. Well, my soon to be ex went to work and stopped to pick up so...

I am the queen of self destruction it would seem. Funny I thought that I had gotten rid of all those habits that made my world crumble around me but it doesn't look like I did that at all. Instead it looks like I allowed people back into my life that I had once so carefully drifted away from. It's my mistake and I'll fix it as soon as I can. In the meantime I will hope that I have not laid the foundation for everything that I've been working so hard for to crumble away from me. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and that my nerves are shot once again. I know that I have to do something about that I think the ability to pay my bills without stress will be a good start to getting my nerves back on track where they need to be. I know that I am the only one to blame this time though. Yes unfortunately I had no help to be stupid and that's what kills me. I can't say anything went as planned and now all my plans are about to fall apart. I have never been bi...

OK so far the whole concept of getting done with this project early in order to get paid is not going well at all. I find myself being constantly interrupted by people that only want to chit chat or have me help them.....The concept of busy is obviously one they do not get and my stress level, along with my temper are close to going over the boiling point. I am behind in every aspect. While my current deadline is still five days away I actually needed to finish this project about five days ago in order to be paid in time to take care of what I needed it to. Oh well, I’ll learn to turn everything off and block the driveway one day. At the moment I would be running back and forth from taking care of the house to my computer to ensure that I get everything done properly. I have a ton of laundry to do, floors to clean, bills to pay and well you know the list is never ending but I still try to narrow it down to a list. I have done a million things today and only one of them so far has bee...

I'm stuck in the middle between right and wrong just the song says.....Oh well, it's not the first time and sadly it may not be the last. I'm hoping that it is though. I have so much on my plate right now that I have no idea where to start getting rid of stuff. I have a deadline that is going on course, I'm on track for today so far. I think anyway but I'm supposed to have another one coming up right behind it. Actually with it if I want to be correct. I know it seems crazy but I would be attempting to take care of a lot of bills in a short amount of time. At the moment I would be switching back and forth between this blog posting and an article. It's the second of five that I have to get done today. So far I've managed to get the kid off to school, do a load of laundry and finish one article. I think it's going to be a good day. I know what I am capable of. Actually I finished two if you count the short news article I grabbed from TB this morning. I...

It would that mistakes always pile up like an avalanche once you make the first one. It's not always easy to admit that you have made a mistake but when you do it's something that you have to learn from. The lessons that hurt the most are the most valuable to you even when you do not realize it at the time you are learning them. Another painful lesson for me and I'll wear yet another scar with pride. I don't know how long it'll take this one to heal but I hope it's not long. I can not bear the thought of what I am about to do but I know that it is for the best. I just have to find the strength to do it. I may still change my mind about it. I seem to have backed myself into a corner that I'm sure I want out of. I would be packing up to go away yet again. This time I will not be back for a very long time. I have no idea how long I will be gone but I know that I can not continue to live this way. I have things to do and people to take care of but only a few...

I would be rather lost and alone. I am still processing all of the pain of having to end yet another marriage, it's not the end of the marriage that I'm sad about but the fact that I never should have gotten married in the first place. Not this time. I have friends with long memories that have been pointing out that he has done a number of things over the years that would give me more reasons to leave than I ever had to stay.  While I can remember the frustration at having to explain bills to a man that was almost forty when I met him I had forgotten some of the other things. We used to have a joint checking account and that was a mistake. He overdrew that so many times they finally closed it out, I'm glad I was only a signer on the account. The last time I do believe was this past October, he went to a motel instead of going to stay with family spending over $100 a night that wasn't in the account at all. Silly me I paid the bills that month. It was Halloween and I ...

I keep hearing the lyrics to an old Randy Travis song running through my head. "Tonight I'm sittin' alone diggin' up bones, resurrecting memories of a love that dead and gone." There are often memories that should be left alone, dead and buried like they never existed. When it comes to my life I've had a lot of those and I find some of them are still haunting me to this day. I have dealt with my demons and I wear my scars with pride but some of those scars seem to reopen from time to time. When the scars reopen I feel as if I've been run over, beaten and left to bleed to death all alone. I have no idea why I should be feeling the pain of all those past hurts right now. Could it be because I was so cruel as to not feel a thing when it came to thought of getting divorced for a third time? That seems cold and heartless but it's not over the years all the feelings that I once felt have gradually been destroyed until there is nothing left. It's all ri...

I am getting ready to start life over once again. I must say I do believe that I am getting a bit old to be doing this for the millionth time but that's alright too. I am strong and I have proven it time and time again. I am currently waiting for my last project which I finished a week early to be approved and paid. Then this afternoon a new project should be funded and waiting. In the meantime I wrote a few quick articles this morning and am currently as you can see updating my blogs in an effort to stay on top of everything and relieve some tensions since I seem to have missed my friends this morning. Oh well they have lives and there is always tomorrow, most of the time. Of course the fact that tomorrow doesn't always come is something that I becoming increasingly and painfully aware of as I get older. There are days that I wonder if those that have gone on knew how much I loved them. I also sit and wonder if those that are still here truly know how deeply I care for them....

I may be under a bit of stress at the moment but I do feel blessed. I decided to take a moment and think about my blessings. Turns out that despite all the craziness around me I have managed to live a full eventual and blessed life. My children are my greatest blessing and keeping them close to my heart is what keeps me going most days. I know that I have a lot of things that I haven't accomplished but that's all right I've still got time. I will get them done on my own time in my own way. I have a ton of work to do so I'm just going to go do it instead of worrying about deadlines, what I don't have or why I don't have it yet. In the meantime I am thankful for my blessings.