Odds and Ends

Zero is how much the rent was this month. I had to pay a deposit but the first month's rent was free. I am rather happy about that since it reduced the amount of expenses for the month a good bit. It is also the amount that I am paying for the samples that I ordered. I like to try new things and samples make it possible to do that without spending a dime. They even include coupons so that the purchase of the items is less. Zero is the amount that I pay for television because I use an antenna instead of subscribing to cable services. In a few months when I change the Internet provider (find one that services the area) I will be watching movies and shows that I cannot watch with the antenna. Zero is the amount that I spent on furniture. It was all gifted to us. I have purchased very few items out of pocket for this move. I am blessed. Zero is actually a nice number after all. Until next time may your life be filled with blessings and zeros.  

It is not just for those that are young in years. Anyone can have their youth at any age. It is actually just a matter of how you feel. I mean there are days that I feel like I've lived more than a century and then there are days that I feel as if I were still in my teens and have the energy to match. While growing up means gaining responsibilities, some of which you never imagined it does not have to mean losing the enjoyment of youth. Actually it can sometimes mean that you get to enjoy things that you were never able to during your younger years because of a lack of money or simply not being allowed to do them. Children keep you young even as they test the level of your endurance. It can be tiring to spend the day running with them but it makes it easier for you to sleep at night, and you awake feeling refreshed. Keeping youth is not about keeping your youthful figure (though it is a bonus) but about living life freely and following your dreams instead of someone el...

X is a difficult letter to cover. That's why it's for x'ing things off the list. While the concept is not a new one for me it is one that I am hopefully getting better at performing. There are a dozen or more things that I must get done each day and I am getting better at getting them done in a timely manner without distractions that had previously come from grown people. The baby is in school everyday unless it is a weekend, holiday or summer vacation and when she gets home it is just the two of us. There is time for her to play, finish her homework, eat dinner and get ready for bed all in a reasonable amount of time. What do I do during the day? Well, at the moment I am still in the process of unpacking. (I don't have dressers or a desk yet.) I alternate between the house cleaning and enjoying a television show or two while I write, budget and arrange the furniture that we do have. In the process I find more things that I need to put on the list of items t...

Saturday and Sunday are the two shortest days of the week. They are never long enough, Monday sneaks up to begin the work and school week before you realize that the weekend ever began. It is a time for outings with the baby. The chance to go to the park, out to eat or window shop is something that we haven't done in months. Slowly we are getting back into the habit of going out to do things just because we can. It is nice to be able to go out with the baby, just the two of us and be able to drive. The invitations to church came early on, and we gave it a try. The jury is still out on whether or not we'll continue to go. It all depends on how the baby does with the crowd on a continuing basis. Another perk is the ability to allow the baby to watch Saturday mornign cartoons, what there is left of them anyway. I noticed recently that “Land of the Lost” is now on; I vaguely remember it from when I was a child and the baby seems to enjoy it. She also enjoys the c...

Value is placed on everything from money to people. It is sad that the items under valued the most are usually the ones with the most value. The items in question do not have to cost a dime to be more valuable than anything else, in fact they do not even have to be tangible.  Friendship, caring and trust are all valuable assets. Unfortunately they are taken for granted more often then anyone would care to admit. Taking those that would do anything for you without question for granted can cause you to lose them. Can you afford to lose them? It is likely that you cannot. The number of people that truly care can sometimes be slim meaning that you should value those that are genuine in their affections for you. The amount of people that would take advantage of you is higher than you might care to admit but sadly enough it is true. Value is more than what you can buy or sell something for; it is what you end up with when you least expect to end up with anything at all.  The t...

Learning the lessons of life takes time and there are a lot of errors that must be endured before learning patience and understanding. Compassion is required to understand, and to often gaining compassion requires being put in the place of the one that you are gaining compassion for. There are those that are not sympathetic to anyone or anything unless it has a direct impact on their lives. It is a lesson in getting what you give that is not subtle. Negative actions attract negative actions the same way that positive actions attract positive actions. It is not enough to know what is going on around you. Simply stating the facts that you have heard does nothing to improve the situations of those around you. It can be inconvenient to take time out of your day to show compassion but it really does not cost you anything at all. Understanding is something that you learn in time. When you have children, especially a handicapped child you begin to see just how little you have und...

Trust is the most important factor in any and all relationships. It is impossible to have a lasting relationship without trust. When the lust is gone the trust has to remain, it is key to friendship and love. There cannot be love without trust, merely a strained connection. That one person (or more) in your life that you find a lifelong attraction to is most likely the one that you trust even when you don't trust them. The arguments can be intense but in the end the devotion wins out and you find yourself still drawn to them in such a way that you cannot control it. It does not matter what the two of you have done to each other, you still defend each other to the ends of the earth. Trust can mean a number of things and you can trust different people with different aspects of your life but trusting someone with your heart is an entirely different story. It requires that you be willing to let them in close enough to hurt you. Fear will prevent full disclosure outside of a...

Satisfaction is something that has eluded me in recent years, but slowly I am achieving it. I have found that I do not need all the things that I once wanted in order to be happy. Actually it was getting rid of things that has allowed me to start feeling content for the first time in a long time. There was the time on the mountain where there was nothing to get away from and all the time in the world to think. I know what I want, but I have to learn patience which means that I am going to have to learn how to be satisfied with what I have in the meantime. This isn't the first time I have ever started over, or the first time doing it as single parent but this time is different. There are no regrets over the ending; if there is a regret to be had it is that it began in the first place. Now I am hoping that I can show my youngest daughter what it means to be happy, content and truly satisfied with what you have in this life. Satisfaction is not something that comes f...

Rest is a word that has not been in my vocabulary for a while; at least not as something that I actively practiced. I am learning what it means, and I think that I rather enjoy it. It is nice to know that when I get sick I can rest a bit without anyone trying to ensure that I cannot rest at all. The six months or so have had a single constant, that is that I am doing better without my last husband than I ever did with him. We are both happier. It saddens me to see that my little girl has never been truly happy before but now we are both learning what rest is and we are taking the time to learn when to say enough is enough. We are spending our time at parks, eating out on occasion and window shopping. I must say that we are truly enjoying ourselves. The rest is easier to achieve now that we don't have appointments every day or even once a week. The fact that over the last six months we have reduced the amount of appointments that we have is something that both of us got...

It's Easter Sunday, and the weekend has been one of the best that we have had in a long time. The baby is enjoying her new friends and the socialization with our neighbors. Last night was filled with hot dogs, marshmellows and new friends. Shorty played with the children and only made me a tiny bit nervous while they were all running toward the fire in the field that was being used to cook the food. We only had one moment where she panicked; it seems that the four wheeler looked like fun to her but the noise from it when Ms. Peggy went to ride her around scared her. She went to run across the complex back to our apartment and I went to get her and take her back. Then we talked about the four wheeler and shorty decided that she wanted it to be pushed. When all the children got there she joined right in, and no one could tell that my angel is autistic. She socialized the entire evening, and had some spontaneous speech that made everyone laugh. Today we are going to Sunday Schoo...

We recently moved into an apartment complex with an on-site laundry. Quarters are the one thing that I will be making sure that I have enough of so that we don't get stuck in a tight spot with nothing to wear. I am hoping to keep the laundry budget at a maximum of $10 a month by not using the dryer. Though I'm sure there are times when I will have to use it if the weather is overcast and we have to have clean blankets and sheets at the same time. I still have not purchased any so we are working with a single set. That means the days that those are washed they will have to go in the dryer so I might as well dry the entire load. I don't care for dryers but if I am going to spend the seventy-five cents I might as well dry everything that I wash that day. It's a $1 to wash so I will making sure that the loads are completely full. It's time to buy the baby some more clothes anyway so we'll have full loads. She is outgrowing some of the clothes she has and...

Peace is something that is increasingly harder to achieve as the world throws the unexpected at you on a seemingly never ending basis. It is easy to get caught up in the things that can bring you down while forgetting that even though they may be small you have blessings in your life. I am learning what it is to achieve peace in my life for the first time in years. My youngest daughter and I moved in September, March and April. The moves were drastic, and unsettling because of our being completely unprepared and then not so drastic and unsettling. We were a little more prepared for the final move. What I mean by prepared is that I actually got to tell the baby in advance that we were moving, and she was not yanked up in the middle of the night to move because of something someone else did. There was no regression during the last move, in fact we have seen progress instead. The baby is doing well in her new school, and the communication with the teacher is open. It is nice to...

Lessons that life teaches require far more than a classroom to be taught. The art of observation is one that is becoming lost as an increasing amount of platforms allow for every thought that a person has ever had to be posted for the world to see. It is a lost art to learn from merely watching those around you. There are those that still spend hours simply watching people and learning from what they see. It is surprising how much you can learn about someone when you pay attention to there actions instead of just the words that come out of their mouth. It is possible that the words and actions do not always match and there are some that are hiding things from the world. The reasons are numerous, and in some cases it can protect you to learn what they are hiding before you become involved with them. It is easy to take someone at their word when the other party involved is not to be found and sorting out the truth can take years. It is best to ensure that you are in a position...

It is a burden to carry, draining the soul of energy. Negativity can cause problems just by entering the conscious mind. It leads to self doubt and denial of capabilities that are easily seen at the surface. It leaves no room for improvement because you believe that you are all you can ever be. There are no winners when negativity enters the picture. It has to be overcome. Making yourself miserable because of all the things that you do not have will do nothing but cause your health to decline. Blaming circumstances is convenient but not always accurate. Negativity is like a disease and eliminating from your life will go a long way to making you happier and healthier. I am working on it at this very moment and slowly I find the smile returning on more than a forced basis. Until the next time may the joys of life outweigh the negative so that you may have a more serene existence.  

Leaving my husband meant leaving all of my mementos behind. Pictures of my children, artwork, and stuffed animals all stayed behind. It made the adjustment difficult. While I have left housefuls of furniture behind in the past it was the first time I had to leave pictures behind knowing that I might never see them again. My little girl left behind mementos of the years that she is not likely to remember because she is so young. Her yearbook from kindergarten, class pictures and all of the things that she made in class were left behind. She left her home and friends, at first I was afraid the setback would not be recovered from but slowly she is coming around. While there are days that I still think about all of the little things that I left behind I have reached the point where I can focus on the mementos that are still to come. She has a few years left in school, she's only in first grade after all. I say only but the year is almost over and she'll be graduating hi...

It is said to be the best medicine. I am not sure about that but I know that it has been missing in my life the last few years as worry took over. It is slowly coming back. Three husbands and two children later I am still here, still learning and still standing which is the most amazing fact. I have stumbled and fallen but in the end I remain strong and strangely a bit better for the wear. I may have had to leave virtually everything behind last September but slowly I am replacing it all. The best part is that this time I get to pick it out with my little girl. She is enjoying the latest move. Her bicycle has been replaced and we are having regular outings. Her laugh is contagious. She is no longer confused when she gets off the school bus and now she runs off of it instead of looking back with a confused look on her face. I no longer dread the phone because the teacher puts a behavior report in every child's folder. This gives me peace of mind, and every time she ...

It is best to act the way we wish for others to act toward us. It is true that everything you do comes back to you. Kindness does not cost a dime, and it is one of those things that comes back to you. It is undeniable that when you are kind to others the world seems to be nicer to you. This is what I have always found anyway. This is going to require some clarification. Those randoms acts of kindness are best performed when the things that you are freely giving are yours to give freely. When you make gifts of things that do not belong to you the unwitting recipient might find themselves in a situation that is improved but the person that you took it from could be in a bind. The act is not negated, your heart was in the right place even if your mind was not. Being kind to people is easy and that kindness is yours to give; when the act of kindness involves a tangible item it is not always as easy to be kind. There is a story about people giving some of what they had while...

It can be slow at times but in the end justice is always served, at least when the justice comes from karma. She is a funny creature and irony is something that she is all to familiar with. There are instances of karma all around us when we take the time to notice they are easy to see. Someone gets a cut on their foot that ends up under a toe nail (this is painful, I know from experience) and you laugh at them. A week laughter you break your toe and the person that you laughed at hears the snap across the room. It is karma. Treat someone like dirt when they do everything humanly possible to ensure your survival then find yourself in dire need of someone to take care of you once you have run them off. Then they end up living a life full of blessings without the stress and emotional roller coaster that you caused them. Karma is a strange creature, she knows the heart of a person and she does her best to allow circumstances to match it. This is why J is for Justice, whil...

Independence is something that we all strive for, it gives us a feeling of pride and accomplishment. Illness can interfere with this feeling when we find ourselves in need of help from someone else simply to meet our basic needs of daily living. Having a small child to take care of makes resting from the slightest illness a luxury. Children begin practicing their independence long before we are ready, especially when we are too sick to supervise. Being a single parent and attempting to keep your child out of things they aren't supposed to be in when illness takes over is difficult. Teaching a child boundaries is even more difficult when they have no concept of them and that budding independence can make you feel as if you want to pull your hair out. There is a thing as too much independence when it comes headstrong children. The problem is that you want them to make their own choices and become self sufficient adults but you want to protect them from the dangers of the ...

Home is truly where you leave your heart; the problem? I haven't felt at home anywhere in a number of years. Bolted to the ground yes, at home no. Rarely through the years have I felt that I was home but the feeling is beginning to return. The short kid and I have been through a lot of changes recently and it is becoming increasing evident that the two of us are our home. The fact that the physical location changed did not change the fact that we our what makes the home; the space simply effects how we react to it. The surroundings and happenings have an affect on how we feel. Despite the fact that staying home has been the norm on more than one occasion for various reasons there comes a time when we both begin to feel claustrophobic and have no choice but to go out and experience the fresh air. Inside we require room to move around. We do not need a mansion but we do need breathing room. Small and cozy has its limits. Home is where we go to feel at peace, relaxin...

G is for Gifts because in the months that have passed since I left my husband I have received a lot of them in one form or the other. The source was often a surprise and the gifts always had perfect timing. My little girl has been on the receiving end of most of them and her face lit up with each one. The most recent was a pillowcase with Snow White and Prince Charming on it from a little white haired lady that had never even laid eyes on her. It was a shock when the doorbell rang and she asked me if I was the one with the little girl. I had seen her walking her dog before and spoke to her briefly but someone else told her I had a small child. Turns out that she makes things for the kids at the children's hospital and she enjoys it. She asked nothing in return and only stayed long enough to drop off her gift. It was just a little something that she thought a child might enjoy. It was an act of kindness that made both of our days a little bit brighter. These acts of ...

The past is not something that we will be reliving anytime soon; hopefully never. Our future is looking rather good even as things continue to change to the point that we do not recognize the plans we had even a month ago. Life is never set in stone and mine is proof of that. The only thing I know for sure is that there will not be another marriage in my future. I am through with the title of wife. In my lifetime I have had a number of titles, my favorite is mother and it is the one that I intend to dedicate all of my time to. Our future is not yet determined but it is looking well. We have had some twists and turns but they are not enough to put a damper on all of our plans. The end goal is the same as it was when 2014 began and we can achieve it together. This may be the shortest post for the month of April but I have that over indulging in talk of what you intend to do detracts from actually doing it. It is past time for me to begin focusing on exactly what I want a...

Elimination is the act of removing someone or something that is not important. You can ignore it, throw it away or divorce it. There are laws against burying it in the backyard. What? There are. Eliminating items and people from your life has its benefits. This is a lesson that I am doomed to repeat on numerous occasions; hopefully this is the last time. In September I moved with two backpacks of things that made no sense to anyone but me. I left everything that I had worked so hard to replace and started over with my youngest child. The change was not without help and support but it was a rough one. It had not been planned but forced, and the time spent without my husband had brought a lot of things to light that would not have come to light with him in my home. (I hope he is enjoying it, summer will be here soon and he won't have a paycheck.) Someone recently told me something in the course of conversation that made me think. It was something they had told someo...

Soon enough I will have had three of them. This time there is no dreading the end instead I would be looking forward to it. It will be the end of something that never should have been in the first place. I knew it was a mistake before I entered the marriage but being stubborn I did it anyway. One day I'll learn my lesson.

It's been so long that I'm not sure what it is anymore but I think I'm beginning to find calm. It is the feeling that allows you to find contentment in the smallest things. It does not have to be something major, it can be something as simple as a gentle breeze. There are a number of things that have a calming effect; I look forward to being able to do them. What are they? I'll tell you in no particular order. Walking on the beach. Drinking a beer by a bonfire. Sitting in front of a fireplace. Reading a book. Spending time alone just thinking or writing just to write. Calm is a nice feeling, and one that has been missed the last few years. Slowly it is returning that is why C is for calm.

Life is one of the wildest rides that you will ever take and finding balance is something can take decades to do. That place where highs and the lows can collide without a catastrophe resulting. There are none of the irrational choices that lead to things such as staying in an abusive relationship or bouncing a felonies worth of checks. Balance makes life peaceful, there is no need to struggle or stress out over minor things. Income, expenses, health and all the small things that make life appear to be to much to handle alone at times all come together to make the days seem a little brighter when you have balance. Ridding yourself of the things that are weighing you down can make life better almost instantly. It is the feeling of freedom that comes with knowing you have gained, or regained control of life that make finding the point where you are happiest easier than you could have ever imagined. It is when balance is achieved that the weight you felt on your head bei...

Yes, you read that right. A is for Anxiety. I have experienced a lot of it in recent years. It was not until a few short months ago that I realized there was a valid reason for it. What happened? A friend persuaded me to go down to the local mental health clinic. It tuns out that I not only have panic disorder but PTSD. I am not crazy as some people would have had me believe through the years. I am reacting normally to life as it was thrown at me. The irrational fears that have cropped up through the years were actually rational. I am now working to rid myself of the anxiety. A divorce will go a long way in the relief because as it turns out when I look back my nerves were the worse that they had been in almost a decade with the man that I left. Things are going well now. There have been some changes since I left my husband that are making my nerves slightly better. The majority of the last six months were spent on a mountain top and I only drove once during that time....